Author: Toman Page 23 of 24

Nor plotz icka wibba hain
Plotz icka wibba hain, hain
Unh-huh, unh-huh

First of all, I’d like to mention that my keyboard is rather fucked up because I spilt coke all over it yesterday. <_<;; Oh well, I’ll work it out somehow. Not your fault, anyway, you bloody bastard.

Second of all, from now on, some of my Tomumns will be in English because those Tomumns will be reviews of new/old games/CD’s/books/internet websites/etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. to infinity and beyond.

The saga begins with the classic game ‘The Sims 2’.

Generally speaking, there’s something deeply unhappy about unhappiness and although that’s not rather surprising the average person, you’ll soon find that even the most unhappy things in life can make you go apeshit and laugh more than a kid in kindergarten who has just seen his teacher getting buttraped by a monkey.

The Sims is one of those games. Not a game that shows a teacher getting buttraped by a monkey infront of the entire class but a game that makes you laugh even when the Grim Reaper comes to collect your own ashes. Yes, yours. You see, The Sims 2 is exactly like the Sims 1 only more detailed of course, like every other sequel from every other game. Except for that, The Sims 2 added nothing – that’s right, a total of 0 things – to the original Sims 1 and that was mainly because of the overuse of extension  packs. Eye Eye Are See, there were 8 expansion packs for Sims 1, all adding a certain special thing to the game, for example, being able to throw a party, but who needed all those extension packs anyway? The main thing you could do that everyone wanted to do was have sex, click on ‘Yes’ to the answer whether you want a baby or not and voila, the baby was there. The one thing people wanted to do more was killing themselves and preferably others. You can’t blame the Sims for having a variety of choices, so of course you could commit suicide by pausing the game, building a room around your ‘Sim’ without a door and then sit, enjoy and laugh your ass off until the other sim in your house decides to go apeshit and ends up cooking himself instead of the dinner you told him to cook.

Then there is the language. You would probably think that a game hat is designed by an American company called Maxis makes games where all the main characters speak one language, the wonderdull language of English. Now take a piece of paper. A blank one preferably, and a pen. Write the following word on the piece of paper: Wrong. Now get some glue and glue it to your head. WRONG, you dumbnut. Everyone apparently knows that the Sims have an entirely different language called – keep up the good work, creative team – Simlish. The lyrics you read earlier, the ones you probably wabted the ultimate WTF-flag at (I don’t blame you) are in Simlish. No one knows the bloody language, but EA Games/Maxis has a way to get an artist to write and sing a song in Simlish, bloody Simlish. For christ’s sake people, IT’S A LANGUAGE IN A GAME! You’ve got to be freaking kidding me.

Oh yes, the actual gameplay and the graphics. The graphics aren’t anything special, especially because everytime Brenda Boreless appears naked they block off the two most important parts of a female body. Luckily there’s the Hot Coffee mod for that, but even when you have the HC mod it’s not much you can see apart from a bunch of pixels, some pubic hair and two red dots on the little brothers of the Rocky Mountains. I guess it’s fun to zoom in on them to see all the tiny pixels that climed the Rocky Mountains.

To discuss the gameplay, I’ve invited two lads from Maxis, let’s called them Bat and Shit.

“Hi Shit,” says Bat.

“Hi Bat,” says Shit.

“Let’s form a team and think up some of the awesome aspects of the new Sims game!”

“Good idea, Bat,” says Shit.

“I have an idea, let’s make this a ‘two-click‘ game! Everything can be done in two clicks of the mouse!”, says Bat.

“Awesome idea, Bat! That makes it a fun, creative and simple game for kids, parents and grandparents of every age!”, says Shit.

Maxis apparently liked it and just because I feel like it I’ll call the idea BATSHIT just for the simple fact that it’s boring, painful to the index-finger and the difficulty level is complaining about its state of easy difficulty.

I don’t mean to be all too negative in my first review and to be quite honest the game doesn’t deserve it either because A: it’s still pretty fun, and B: you can actually create people you don’t like in the game and kill them however you like. Or as Oscar Wilde would say, “this game is better than life itself! And I’m not lying.”